Stop! or I'll Shoot Whiskey!
by Aydin
Summary: Spike gets Buffy a kitten, but Spike soon finds himself completely adoring the little creeper. Both wanting the kitty for themselves, they argue about where to 'raise' the kitten. -- I've corrected the mixed past/present tenses, thanks for the pointer!


**Title:** Stop! Or I'll shoot Whiskey!

**Author:** Aydin S.K.

**Rating:** PG

**Summary:** Spike gets Buffy a kitten, but Spike soon finds himself completely adoring the little creeper. Both wanting the kitty for themselves, they argue about where to 'raise' the kitten.

**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. No copyright infringement intended nor implied. Don't sue me for my creative contribution.

**Author's note:** Hugs to Sandy, for picking the color of the litter box. And her cat Bailey, official guinea pig for kitty-toe-research :)
  


**Stop! Or I'll shoot Whiskey!**

  
Buffy was out to partol, and Spike decided not to tag along this time. After she had left, he went for a game of poker with the beasties.  
At the end of the game, Spike had won, without any cheating. His winnings were five little kittens. But much to everyone's surprise he picked only one, after he made up his mind about which kitty was the most adorable one.  
Carefully he lifted it up, to nuzzle his nose against the kitten's snout. For a moment he cuddled it, until he realized the blank and puzzled stares of the demons.  
As if protecting the little kitten, Spike tucked it away underneath his duster, and grinned a little embarrassed.  
  
"Well, it's been a real pleasure, I'll be off now," he told the beasties goodbye and walked out.  
  
While Spike sluggishly walked back to his crypt, the kitten popped it's head out of the duster and meowed at the Vampire, as if pleading not to eat him.  
Spike grinned at the furry little creature under his duster, and ensured the kitty nobody was going to harm him.  
  
"I'm gonna give you a nice 'ome, little fella."  
  
He tucked the kitty back inside his coat, and listened how it purred. Every now and then the kitty would climb up, and it's whiskers would brush against Spike's chin, who chuckled at the tickling touch.  
  
Finally Spike arrived at his crypt, he opened the door to step inside. His footsteps and the kitten's dreadful meowing echoed through the decorated grave. And apparently it gave a 3rd party the shivers.  
  
"Spike? Is.. is that you?" a trembling voice asked.  
  
"Buffy?" Spike replied dubious as he lighted a candle, still carrying the kitten. "I thought you were out, patrolling?"  
  
"Yeah, I was," Buffy sighed. "But I got bored, and I.. missed you," she added reluctantly.  
  
Spike cocked his head and grinned, "Oh, is that right?"  
  
"Uh-huh," she smiled sweetly, until her eyes catched a glimpse of the moving and meowing lump underneath his duster. "Whatcha hiding there?"  
  
"Oh, right," he reached his right arm inside his leather coat, and approached Buffy with the kitten in his hand. "For you, love."  
  
Buffy raised her eyebrows, "What, you're sharing dinner with me now?"  
  
"No," Spike let out one of those exasperated sighs, "it's a petcat, won it for you. Didn't cheat."  
  
He walked a little closer to his Slayer, insisting on taking the kitten, and tickled her nose with the kitten's whiskers. Spike purred and meowed along with the kitty.  
  
"C'mon, take the bloody kitten," he pursued as he started to feel quite ridiculous now.  
  
Buffy had never seen such a shocking display, extremely adorable though, Spike playing with a kitten.  
  
Gently Buffy grabbed the kitten, and glared thankfully at Spike.  
  
"This is..It's so sweet of you. Nobody has ever given me a kitty," she said, as if it meant the world to her.  
A gesture that made her feel as if she was a normal girl, with a normal life and a normal kitten. Yes, it really did mean the world to her. For this she kissed Spike, with such passion. Passion he never experienced before, not with her, not with anybody.  
  
"So, you like the present then?"   
  
* * *  
  
An hour later, the Slayer and the Vampire had made their way to bed. Buffy was lying on her side, petting the kitten that was sleeping safe and sound between her and Spike, who laid on his back, hands behind his head.  
  
"We should give him a name," Buffy suggested.  
  
Spike rolled on his side, and glanced at the kitten.  
  
"How 'bout Whiskey?"  
  
"Whiskey?"  
  
"Yes, pet. Whiskey."  
  
"Why?" Buffy asked him, puzzled.  
  
With annoyance written all over his face, Spike sat up. "Look, if you don't like it, just bloody say so."  
  
"Well, it's not that I don't like it, just wondering why is all," Buffy pouted.  
  
"The bugger just strikes me as a Whiskey."  
  
"Oh. Well, okay, let's name him Whiskey then," she agreed with a smile.  
  
"That's settled then," Spike returned the smile and rolled on his stomach.  
  
It didn't take too long for them to fall into a deep sleep under the red satin sheets. In the meanwhile the kitten had woken up, to curl up on Spike's back.  
  
The next morning Spike awakened with pricking feeling on his back. Woozy and annoyed he turned his head to see what's going on. Kitty nails..  
  
"Ow. Ow. OW!"  
  
With a start Buffy woke up, and immediately bursted into laughter at the sight of Whiskey circling on the back of her tormented lover.  
  
"Get 'im off my back!" Spike cried out.  
  
"Don't be such a baby," Buffy told him as she swiftly lifted the kitty and held it closely against her chest. "I think he likes you," she then flattered the vampire.  
  
Spike smiled and stroked Whiskey under his chin, after giving Buffy a kiss.  
  
"You suppose we should feed 'im?" he then asked.  
  
"No, we're going to let him starve to death," Buffy sarcastically replied.  
  
Spike couldn't help but laugh out loud, "Okay, you go fetch kitty food then. Oh, and some toys, poor little fella doesn't have anythin' to play with."  
  
Buffy planted the kitty back on the bed and stood up to get dressed. While she threw on her leather skirt and white top, she watched her lover playing with Whiskey. Spike got so caught up in the moment, that he barely noticed her leaving.   
  
* * *  
  
About 45 minutes later Buffy returned, to find Spike hanging infront of the telly, with the kitten sitting on his head. Trying to watch 'Passions', Spike constantly had to remove Whiskey's little tale, that waggled infront of his face.  
  
"Here, snacks," Buffy said as she throws a small bag of Whiskas Tender Bites in his lap.  
  
Dumbfounded he grabbed the bag to open it, and fed Whiskey a few bites.  
  
"I don't think these miniscule crackers are very nourishing, love," he muttered as he studied the snacks.  
  
"Well, it's not like that's his meal for the entire day," Buffy hesitantly replied. "Besides, I got more! Look!"  
  
Quickly Buffy turned around, and pulled an entire shopping cart out of the shadow. It was flooded with all kinds of toys, kitty litter and various food.  
  
"I see kitty litter, but..what 'appened to the litterbox, pet?"  
  
"I forgot," she answered uncomfortably and bit her lip.  
  
Spike ogled at the kitten on his head and back at Buffy, "I sincerely hope he's housebroken. I don't fancy a doodoo on my head, ya hear?"  
  
Buffy nodded in an agreeable yet annoyed manner, "I'm on it," and disappeared out the door.  
  
"Ugh, if he wasn't so flammable I'd send his ass to get a freakin' litterbox!" she mumbled to herself.  
  
As annoyed as Buffy was, she so wasn't looking where she was going and bumped into Willow. Immediately her face lit up, she was dying to tell her friend about the kitten Spike gave her, and about the litterbox he didn't..- Oh well.  
  
"Hey, Will," she smiled.  
  
"Buffy, what's the matter? You seemed kinda pissed right before you almost knocked me down," Willow asked concerned.  
  
"Oh, that..That was..Nevermind. I got a kitten!" she blared enthusiastically.  
  
"A kitten?"  
  
"Yes! Spike gave it to me! It's just SO adorable, how he plays with him! Just a few minutes ago I got back from the petshop, and Spike was watching television with Whiskey on his head! I just thought I was going to die! They're so cute together!"  
  
"Ok, slow down, giddy schoolgirl! Wait, whiskey? On his head?"  
  
"Uh-huh! That's his name, isn't it cute?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess..-"  
  
Before Willow could finish her sentence Buffy had grabbed her arm and dragged her friend along.  
  
"W-where are we going Buffy?" she asked confused.  
  
"Petshop. Must get a litterbox, the idea that Whiskey could poop on Spike's head slightly alarms him. And then you're gonna meet Whiskey!"  
  
On the way to the petshop Buffy just went on and on about the kitten and Spike, that it just came out of Willow's ears, but she kept still and just listened. Buffy seemed happy, and she shouldn't be denied of the opportunity to express that.   
  
* * *  
  
Not much later Will and Buffy arrived at Spike's crypt with a silver litterbox. When they didn't see Spike and Whiskey right away, Buffy planted the litterbox on the floor, and called out for him.  
  
"Spike? Where are you?"  
  
"Maybe he's scrubbing kittypoop off his head," Willow mocked with a grin.  
  
Disgusted Buffy looked at her friend, "Don't be ridiculous, Will."  
  
In the meantime Spike had approached them unperceived, to unintentionally scare the hell out of the girls when they turned around. Willow screamed her lungs out, and Buffy gave the Vampire a push.  
  
"Where's Whiskey?" Buffy then asked suspiciously.  
  
"Oh my God, you didn't eat it, did you?!" Willow's eyes grew big.  
  
"No, I did not eat 'im," he firmly informed Willow. "Whiskey's...-"  
  
"Whiskey's what!?" Buffy shouted panicky.  
  
"Stuck on the back of my head," Spike sighed emberassed and turned around for the girls to see how the kitten clinched himself on the back of the vampire's skull.  
  
"But how..-" Buffy couldn't even finish her sentence for she bursted into uncontrollable, hysterical laughter.  
  
Although Willow felt the need to do the same, she asked Spike what happened and helped to 'unscrew' the kitty out of his head instead.  
  
"Well, at first he was just sittin' on my head, and I figured maybe he would fancy a bit of milk. So I poured the fella some. But the bugger wouldn't budge when I tried to get 'im off my head," he explained through Buffy's laughter.  
  
Willow felt kinda sorry for Spike, how he stood there so helpless and defeated. As she gently withdrew Whiskey's nails out of the vampire's head, Spike cringed and complained about the pain.  
  
"I think my chip just moved an inch. Maybe it got stuck on one of his pesky claws," Spike jested.  
  
Willow laughed, and worked on getting Whiskey's last nail out of the blonde vampire's head.   
  
* * *  
  
Buffy had calmed down, but still chuckled everytime she imagined the kitty perched on Spike's head. Willow kept a straight face though, she figured it would majorly tick Spike off to be laughed at by two women.  
Meanwhile Whiskey had curled up in Spike's lap and purred away like a little engine.  
  
"Aw, you were right Buffy, they are cute together!" Willow observed.  
  
"Yes, they're inseparable," Buffy replied, almost disappointed."I don't think I'll be able to take Whiskey home with me."  
  
Spike piped in, "You got that right, pet."  
  
"Hey!" Buffy protested, "You gave him to me, remember? My kitty!"  
  
"Well," Spike paused. "Whiskey and I have a connection!"  
  
"Why? Because he made 18 little holes in the back of your head?!"  
  
"No," he reluctantly answered, but quickly reconsidered and changed it to "Yes!"  
  
"You're impossible!" and with that Buffy sat down again, next to Willow.  
  
"You know what I think?" Willow prompted, and continued without waiting for a response. "Maybe you should just take turns."  
  
"Take turns?" Spike asked puzzled.  
  
"Yeah, like - like Whiskey would spend the weekends at Buffy's and the rest of the week here, at Spike's," Willow carefully suggested.  
  
Angrily Buffy rose to her feet, "What?! Why do I get to have the louzy weekends!?"  
  
"Or the - the other way around," the witch muttered.  
  
"What!? No bloody way!" Spike exclaimed, startling the little kitten on his lap.  
  
"Oh! See! You - you scared him! You're not fit to be his legal.. - to be his guardian!" Buffy stuttered as she pointed her finger panicky at Spike.  
  
"Oh, you should talk! You with your..-" Spike took a moment to think of something, and raised his voice,"..your sodding panick attacks!"  
  
Before Spike realized what happened, Willow swiftly snatched the kitten out of his lap, and pointed her index finger at Whiskey, faking a gun.  
  
"Stop it you two! Or - or I'll shoot the kitty!"  
  
Spike rose and grinned unbelieving, "Doubt it, Red."  
  
"Hey! I'm a witch, you hear! I - I can make bullets coming out of my fingers, if I'd want to!"  
  
Buffy leaned over to Spike, "You think she would actually do that?" she then silently asked Spike.  
  
"Oh yeah. In a heartbeat," he promptly replied.  
  
Carefully Buffy approached Willow as if she was dealing with a seriously disturbed person.  
  
"Will, put down the - uhm..the gun. You don't want to kill the kitty."  
  
Willow relaxed a little, "You're right, I don't!"  
  
Spike and Buffy sighed in a relieving manner, both rushed to get the kitten, until Will tensed up again, with a resolved face.  
  
"But - but I will, if you two don't stop fighting about the kitty, right now!"  
  
"Okay! Okay!" Buffy surrendered, "Spike, you can have Whiskey the rest of this week, and - and I'll take him the week after, and so on and so on! Okay? Deal?"  
  
"Deal," Spike agreed.  
  
With hopeful looks they turned to Willow, "Now, give us the bloody kitten," Spike insisted as he held out his arms.  
Cheerfully the witch handed the kitty to Spike, and smiled content.  
  
"Say, you weren't really planning on hurtin' 'im, did you, Red?" Spike asked the witch with a dubious face.  
  
"Oh, of course not! Just seemed like the only method to reason with you guys," she answered happily and walked out the door after a short wave, "See ya later!"  
  
Contemplative the 2 stared at each other, not believing that they actually fell for that.  
  
"Well, I suppose I should better store some kitty stuff over at my house too," Buffy sighed.  
  
Defeated she walked out of the crypt, on her way to the petshop. Again.  
  


**THE END**


End file.
